youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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