Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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