I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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