i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
