so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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