I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
