Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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