Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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