Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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