my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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