my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
