the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
