my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
