I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
