You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
