I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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