I hope mine doesn't look like that
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
