obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
