Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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