I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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