Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
