New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
