So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
