Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
