Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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