Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
