If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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