I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
And then he peed in my hair
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