I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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