The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
