Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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