Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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