And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
