I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
