Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
