i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pants are for mortals
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
there is glitter all over my balls
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
