Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
