No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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