Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
