High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
