so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
