I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
FUCK WHALES
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
