OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
FUCK WHALES
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
