you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
