I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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