I am puke
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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