he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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