I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
