wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
