if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I wish I only lived at night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
