Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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