so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
