Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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