i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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