she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
