i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
